I want it all

You've heard the phrase, you want to have your cake and eat it too, and in today's Sex and The City world, we're practically expected to. I briefly touched on this subject in my post Lessons in acting in regards to being perfectly un-perfect.

But no matter what, it's hard to have it all. That's why we have balance. 

So they say, pick one thing. For me, it usually refers to my career. "Helena, just pick one thing to focus on--one thing to work on." I loathe hearing this phrase and I respond with, "Okay, if you had four kids would you be able to pick just one to focus on?"

One guy actually tried saying it's different but for me, right now in my life, my career and the arts are my babies. I can't just pick one. I'm spending money on them, losing sleep over them, worrying about them, loving them, (resenting) them--the whole bit.

But what if you had both--kids and career? But let's reduce it down even more and call it a relationship and career? Can we have both? Are we even allowed to want both?

This concept proved to be more difficult than I realized when I began the Transformation series at church. At small group, I had to pick one goal, be it short or long-term and share. 

Each person had a different goal, having worked on X and Y and at a point in their lives where they are ready for Z. 

As I listened, it was hard for me to imagine choosing just one. That's when I realized, I want it all. 

I usually tell people, I'm all about career. I tell them that's all I live for at the moment and I don't need a relationship or anything else to get in the way. 

Here's the kicker, I don't need one but I kinda, sorta, just a teensy, weensy bit... want one. To clarify, if a great man who was crazy about me came into my life tonight, I'd go for it! I would hope that I could continue my career search and aspirations with that person. 

It'd be nice to have this out of my way because I ain't getting any younger (and eventually kids will be on my wish-list). 

But it doesn't stop there. 

I want to lose weight. 
I want to walk, and run, and hike more. 
I want to find a job that pays the bills.
I want to pursue my dreams and hopefully make a living out of them. 
I want to find a loving life partner. 
I want to have kids (one day). 
I want to get closer to God. 
I want to be able to watch Suze Orman and understand what the heck she's talking about. 
I want to have girl time. 
I want to have "me" time.  
I want to yoga. 
I want to read more. 
I want to cook more. 
I want to cook better. 
I want to take a cooking class. 
I want to knit a blanket. 
I want to finish my series of paintings. 
I want to finish a screenplay. 
I want to be courageous. 
I want to meditate.
I want to pray more. 
I want to write on this blog more. 
I want to be outside more. 
I want to explore California.
I want to talk to my family more. 
I want to make more friends. 
I want to volunteer. 
I want to not over-think every single damn thing I do. 

And what I wouldn't give to have a sexy-as-hell, passionate, crazed make-out session and I want to not feel guilty about it. 

And I want it all to happen this week. 

I know, I know, I intellectually know that demanding all of this to be done overnight is insane but the weeks turn to months and the months turn to years and I find myself still needing to:

Lose weight.
Workout more. 
Be in nature more. 
Find a big-girl job. 
Get my career going.
Paint more. 
Write more. 
Find a good man. 
Resist the urge whenever I pass a cute baby. 
Get closer to God. Research every word that comes out of Suze Orman's mouth
Have more girl time. 
Have more genuine "me" time.  
Yoga. 
Read more. 
Cook more. 
Cook better. 
Take a cooking class *I will be in March!!!
Knit that damn blanket. 
Finish my series of paintings. 
Finish a screenplay. 
Be more courageous. 
Meditate.
Pray more. 
Explore California. Talk to my family more. 
Make more friends. 
Volunteer. 
Not over-think every single damn thing I do. 

And not let a sexy-as-hell, passionate, crazed make-out session turn into a not-so-sexy, slightly disgusting, humiliating, and regretful night of... Which I always feel guilty about. 

I'm going to go pray now. 

Good thing I'm doing this transformation series as it seems I need to change things up. 

Good luck and God bless.