To blog or not to blog

As my loyal readers have noticed, I haven't been posting as much. This isn't from a lack of writing though. I've been writing as I normally would with a good old fashioned pen and lined paper notebook I bought back in Cork. I've written what I've been wanting to write without feeling indebted to those reading or those I hope to read my work.

I've also been feeling unhappy with my posts as of lately due to recurring themes and topics that frustrated me. A friend suggested I write about the people I've been meeting on my trip. This would be all good and fine but the relationships I'm developing on this trip haven't been merely surface relationships. I'm meeting people from all walks of life and having conversations I pray will remain fresh in my memory for how much they've affected me. The people I'm meeting and the things I'm doing are changing me in unexpected ways.

It's this deeper level of change that I can't write about. Or rather, I can, but not blog about.

This isn't the first time this has happened. I used to write under the same title of this blog years ago and deleted it for the same reasons I'm facing now. I'm a writer. Not a blogger.

I initially started this blog with two intentions: to get writing and possibly reach a larger audience. In a selfish way, it was to get my work and name out there. I was encouraged and decided, why the fuck not. I had a pretty slow but decent start which is now dwindling. This could mean I'm a crap writer or it could mean that people just don't have time to read my lengthy book-like blog. This is where I, as an artist, have to ask myself if it's time to move on to bigger projects.

Do I stay the extra in the background or reach for the leading role?

It isn't purely narcissistic but if you were to imagine social media as a Venn diagram I would argue that while blogging and things like Facebook and Twitter aren't in the same circle, their circles do intersect. They are similar in style and often reach the same readers.

There is nothing wrong with blogs but I personally have never been much into blogs so it's ironic I'm even writing one. Blogs usually consists of short blurbs and pictures. I try to follow this rule but I have too much I want to say. I often cut most posts short which then alters the post entirely.

I'll be honest that I was angry watching numbers dwindle in readers. I've been angry with people a lot lately on this trip.  I'm seeing the world from other points of view and learning more in such a short amount of time than I ever have in my lifetime thus far. I'm amazed to be surrounded by people who know so much about their culture and history.  Even teenagers know important dates and names of figures who fought for their country.

I can't say the same for Americans--young or old. Luckily for me, I grew up with a history buff for a father who knows more about most things than anyone else I've ever met. Unfortunately, his knowledge hasn't completely seeped into my brain and I'm still learning, often ashamed and embarrassed for how little I do know.

People from all over the world ask me questions about my country that I don't have the answers for. On one hand, my country is the country. The one place in this world where most people I meet would do anything in order to live there. On the other, it is the one place in the world people that is supposed to be a super power and yet is continually failing its own people. People don't have jobs. People don't have health insurance. People don't have homes. Children's education is constantly being put on the back burner. This is America I'm talking about. Not that it's the land of gods or anything but it's by no means a third world country either. It still makes absolutely no sense.

I grew up watching this society. As I've written in former posts, it's this society that has lead me to flee the country to learn how to live a fulfilling life in Europe.

I gave the same, long, how-I-ended-up-in-Europe spiel to a couple who hosted me for dinner in Belfast. I told them about the holistic healer, my fears of settling down, my anger towards the people who continue to let society run the course it's on, becoming more and more materialistic and dumb, and my fight to dwell in a society I don't understand and fear succumbing to more than death.

The couple's response was that I just reaffirmed the world's view on America. He said the image America has is that its people don't have a higher calling, be that God, a sense of purpose, or meaning. Because of this, we put all our hope, faith, and security in things that don't matter and fill our minds with useless nonsense. This capitalistic culture is spreading rapidly too--affecting countries and societies allover the world.

It's changing art too. We talked about how music, literature, and art used to well... art. Think Beethoven versus Beyonce (Bob Dylan is probably a less extreme example in replace of Beethoven). In my case, blogs versus books.

I had told him about my late discouragements in regards to my blog. He told me what I already knew and that is, "People want to read Facebook posts."

I'm not sure I can agree with him on that. I don't think people even want to read those anymore.

I don't put all my stock in Facebook but the main reason I ever created my own Facebook profile was to keep in touch with friends overseas and to my amazement it's worked. Some of these friends I'll be seeing on this very trip--our only contact being through Facebook over the past few years.

I continue to go on Facebook to see pictures of family, friends, their adventures, and though not mind-blowing, the pot roast they made last night. But I see less and less of this. I'm now seeing more and more shared posts, memes, and other random things like rape sloths which always make me cringe (especially when women post them). People can't even conjure their own thoughts on Facebook anymore. I'd take back the pictures of pot roast and passive aggressive statuses in order to end the mind-numbing madness.

It seems that people don't like posts about how much you're growing and how blessed you feel but they will like a picture of a cat with a mustache or another sexist article on the differences between women and men. Again, I'm on Facebook and post random stuff from time to time but the evolution of technology and its affects on people is fascinating to watch. A shift is occurring and it will only cause things to get worse.

After my friend went on his tangent about America's lacking in purpose, I had to interject. I already knew these facts you see. My question is and has been--how do we change it? You can't change people. So how can we change the priorities of society as a whole?

In general, it takes working on yourself and you can affect the circle around you. I can't speak for my circle but I am currently going through my own change. One of these changes being my affect on society. I fervently battle with the fear that I'm buying into all that is wrong in this world and offering nothing to fix it. One worry is that my own blog is going against all that I believe in within the realm of art.

I took this up with a close friend and possibly my biggest fan. She agreed that blogs attract certain groups and would be good if I just wanted to scratch the surface but as far as she can read and tell by my complaints, I want to delve deeper and blogging is holding me back.

I went on this trip for a few reasons. I came here to learn about love and living from another side of the world, figure out what I want in life, and to write.

I've happily watched couples touch and kiss in public reassuring me that potent love may still exist; I've washed clothes and hung them to dry on multiple occasions (a thing I never ever see in my circle in the States); and I've been forced to relax and enjoy the journey of both this trip and my life. My spirituality, my sexuality, my style, and my perceptions of the world and myself are unraveling and changing. I can't quite grasp where it's all taking me but I finally feel secure within myself.

I also know for certain that I want to write.

But I also want to work on bigger writing projects. I want to dig deeper and write more than I feel is allowed here on this blog. I'm at a point where I feel like I have nothing to offer the blogging world and vice versa.

I'm still toying with the idea and would be willing to listen to advice or comments from those who have been supporting me.

Thank you for reading as always. You who are following me are more appreciated than you'll ever know and I can't thank you enough.