We're all in this together

I think it is obvious from my last post that I had a meltdown. By the time Monday came around, my eyes were saggy and purple from little sleep, one was still twitching constantly, and I was just plain tired. 

Everything in my body was aching. For the past few weeks I noticed my forehead had been tight as if I had been in deep thought for hours on end. I know it can't be my vision because I had an appointment only a couple months ago and everything was status quo. I had been suffering from a constant dull headache as well. Even my heart was hurting. 

I thought maybe this was the onset of depression but after reviewing what had been going on the past couple weeks (and tiring all my friend's out with my worries), I witnessed firsthand, stress's affects on the body. 

I've known stress but this wasn't the kind that could be cured with a measly beer and sarcastic joke. This was the kind that caused perfectly healthy middle-aged men to have massive strokes. 

What was causing the stress you might ask? Well a couple days before I wrote my last post, I had spent an entire week studying for an exam for a job that wasn't even guaranteed. Then when the test day arrived, my adrenaline had been so high I couldn't sleep for two days. My stress rose ever more upon arriving to the exam site where I saw my competition--all over-qualified and just as desperate as me (or is it "I"? Shit! This was for a teaching job, I should know this!). 

When I refer to my competition it's because that's exactly what it felt like--a competition. It was like the Hunger Games and the best man standing would get the job. There were roughly 50 people applying for 15 temporary part-time openings and only those who had the highest scores would be eligible for an interview (and those were still another month away). 

By the time Tuesday came around my spirit was dry. Luckily a friend of mine (who had also had a recent meltdown) decided to leave work early to join me for lunch and catch up on what we both were going through. 

Turns out I'm not the only crazy out there! She has a PhD and is struggling to get work (not the first I've known in this predicament). It is just really rough out there. Not to mention that our society still caters to the over-privileged who were born into the right circles and therefore "know people." Not that I didn't enjoy my upbringing but I wasn't exactly surrounded by the glitterati growing up. I know some of the most incredible people that ever lived, but none of them can really help me land my dream job (moral support not included). It seems that in any industry it's about who you know and less of what you know. We may be living in a society that is beginning to promote equal pay for equal work, but we have yet to see equal work for equal knowledge. 

I left my friend feeling much better. She encouraged me that she understood exactly what I was feeling. She had been there and in many ways was still facing the same issues. Luckily she knew what she wanted to do, I still had to figure that out. 

I went home and ran into another friend of mine. Screw job searching today, I need to cheer up. Her and I instantly started talking about our job searching escapades. Is everyone currently undergoing job searches? She assured me that there are lots of people who are unemployed and feeling the same way. She, also being from the Midwest, said that the more opportunities we came out here for, the more competition we'd have to deal with. 

What started as an in-the-hallway chat, turned into an all-night girl talk with drinks. I went on and on (gosh I must be annoying people by now!) about how I'm afraid I'm going to die a failure, who never married, and living with her parents. Or perhaps married and divorced a few times. I'm not sure what would be easier to deal with. And you know what she (like all my other friends in the same scenarios) told me? That they fear the same thing. 

She also said that with the holidays, everyone was feeling hopeless. While some industries (retail, service, etc...) were busy this time of year, other industries were going through their down time. 

Whew! So then what do we do? Well first of all, I need to get a hobby. Something I can do, that is also creative, to take my mind off things. And maybe start dating again (ugh, let's leave that for another post). 

Okay. But I still argued that unlike her, I don't know what I want or who I am anymore? Needless to say this conversation got pretty heavy which we lightened with more beers and discussions about stupid men (they can be good for some things I suppose).

I discussed all the things I regretted not doing when I was younger. The fact that they would've been easier to do then, but were way more difficult now as an adult with more bills and less financial support. 

Well as an adult you also get to decide what you want. So here I am in L.A., with a chance to figure out who I want to be and what I want to do. No one out here can tell me otherwise and when those who try, that's when I say, "Have a great day! Bye!"

Sounds fun, right? I think about dying my hair teal and changing my identity (very Hollywood). But it's actually more terrifying because now my future is completely in my hands. If I fuck up, that's on me. It really is putting all your chips in and placing the bet on what "feels right." This could literally be your life savings or your life in general. 

This could mean going to art school and after a semester of debt, realizing that that's actually not what you want. This could be applying for a small business loan and moving in with 10 other people in order to open your dream (blank). What if it didn't work? What if people didn't want what you were selling and you had to close? There goes that dream (and that money). 

This could also mean moving out to a big city like say, Los Angeles, to pursue your dreams then getting burnt out, sick, and giving up to move back to your parents' house in say, the Midwest, and settling down with some putz.

To hell with that idea!

I like to get hopeful so I'll ask myself, what would you do if money was no object? Sometimes I'll dig even deeper (for those dealing with weight issues), what would you do if you loved your body completely as is? What thing would you create if you believed you were talented?

For me, I'd dabble in everything. Something I already do but I'd have less fear and worry over it not working out. I'd wear more dresses and worry less about my belly pooch. I'd also eat my my buttery eggs and bacon without guilt. I'd paint everything I ever wanted to paint because I wouldn't worry about the outcome. I would write all I've ever wanted to write because I wouldn't worry about perfection or sounding stupid. I'd travel more because I'd realize that if I died tomorrow I'd hate it to go out with a twitching eye from endless stress and staring at a computer screen that says "Apply Now." 

So I'm going to San Francisco to spend the holidays with a dear friend (which once our gifts our exchanged I will share what I made for her because that was a lot of fun). Then I'm going to Vegas after the new year. I'm writing this blog despite cringing every time I click "Publish" with fear that people will think I'm a whiny stupid bitch (yes, this is sadly how I feel about myself sometimes). I ate eggs-in-a-basket and turkey bacon this morning because I love to cook and no matter how much self-loathing I do, I'll never stop eating what I love. I just morn every day I don't workout. I paint, but not nearly enough or as much as I used to. I'm working on it though. 

As you can see, I'm not perfect and not nearly where I'd like to be. There's a lot of work to be done and I know it will take time, but I'm trying and I can at least be proud of that. I still don't know who I want to be or what exactly I want to do. Some days I wish it'd just all fall into my lap. Sometimes this whole "finding yourself" can be more difficult and stressful than job searching. 

So for those of you facing these same issues, ask yourself?

What would you do if money were no object?
What would you create/do if you believed you were talented, smart, and creative?
What would life be like if you loved yourself inside and out? 

I'd love to see what you all say. Feel free to leave comments. It's just further proof that we're all in this together.