Ironically, days after his death I was given the role of an alcoholic wife and mother in this coming week's scene study. Sadly, I've had a good deal of exposure to such a character in real life.
Now, I say sadly because addiction is sad. It's a dark place and I believe to this day we all have addictions to one thing or another--some mild, some life-threatening. Leaving God in it or out of it, I'd say anything that preoccupies your mind the most is your god. I had to admit this to myself recently as one of mine being finances or the fear of losing it. I have altered my life is so many negative ways because I was so damn afraid of what would happen if I spent money doing what I wanted or even needed to do.
I've heard the same thing when people contemplate giving up other vices. From drugs to alcohol to toxic friends--you wonder, what will my life be like without this? I know I need to quit drinking, using, hanging out with toxic people, etc... but what on earth will happen to my life without them? It's that fear of the unknown we choose not to uncover because what we have now has lead us here which isn't so terrible. Is it?
And why not settle for decent enough. As my character in Days of Wine and Roses says:
"You see--the world looks dirty to me when I'm not drinking."
Can you blame her? It's like the Janis Joplin song, "get it while you can." Look at users with complex and terrifying histories; can you blame the woman who drinks to kill the pain of being sexually molested as a child? Or the man who was abused by his parents? Why not take relief when you can get it?
And even if you haven't had such sadness, to know that such things exist in this world, to see such violence everywhere you turn, what do you do to take away the pain?
There is no doubt that despite everything, there is so much beauty in this world as well and if we just focused on that...
But life isn't that easy.
I heard a girl say the other day, "Acting is hard."
I corrected with, "Being human is hard."
What I've learned from acting is that you reveal yourself. I heard a line from a scene that went something like, "I act because it allows me to have feelings."
In acting, we can unleash our real selves--the ugly, the bitter, the sad, the angry, the totally fucked up, etc... But it isn't so easy. That's why Philip Seymour Hoffman was such a great actor because he wasn't afraid to go there. And when he did, he committed full force, even to the most egotistical hedonistic extent.
Take this lesson from Improv: Let's say you're out and about, and let's say you trip and fall. Normally, we'd chuckle and look around us and start talking to people. Like, "Oh my gosh, did you see that?" "Whoa!" "What was that?" "Geez, I wasn't paying attention!"
We feel this weird sensation to cover for ourselves and apologize for looking dumb. So the goal my Improv teacher had for us was to get to a place in life where if we did this, we could get right back up and not say a fucking word and move on with our day.
A fully committed artist who doesn't give a rats ass what people think will be able to do this. But let me tell you, it just is not that easy.
I find myself doing it all the time. Even when I'm in the car and I make a silly turn, I literally start talking to myself, "Whoa! Didn't see that! Sorry guys!" I'm embarrassed and I'm the only one in the car! I'm embarrassing myself by myself!
This relates to being human because we don't just do it when we physically mess something up, but it seems we're (most of us anyway) always apologizing for something stupid we said, or beating ourselves up for not being perfect. We're always trying to be not too loud, not too quiet, not too weird, not too normal, not too mean, but not too soft and on and on and on.
"That's enough to make a person drink, wouldn't you say?"
And I've only found the trait of being able to not give a fuh- in addicts. Because, can you imagine being completely, genuinely, truly, and honestly you to the world without a little some-, some- to take the edge off?
I see my girlfriends and I do it innocently all the time when opting between coffee or drinks for a first date, most opt for drinks because it will, "Help us relax."
I've made the mistake of doing this and acted surprised when I realized the man I was dating and/or falling in love with was an alcoholic. All three of the serious relationships I've had were with addicts and I naturally had to find the common denominator. That, being me.
I will be honest because I think a lot of people find themselves secretly asking themselves if they're addicts because they're afraid that if they even broach the topic, their friends and family will automatically assume they are.
I can say after countless soul-searching episodes, I am not a drug addict or alcoholic. But it hasn't always been to black and white and to be honest, when I was young I used alcohol to ease the pain. It's taken years of grace, love, and time to work on my issues that weren't addiction based, but self-loathing based which I would use many other vices to soothe.
When I was in high school I thought all I had to offer was my body, which is exactly what I did until I was practically soulless. And when pain continued to pile on, like a binge eater, I would binge more in trying to soothe the pain from the last binge. I eventually broke this vicious cycle.
Then there's retail therapy. Fine, I suppose, in small amounts but there was a point in my life when someone could've handed me the keys to a mansion and all the riches I could ever want and I still would've been unhappy. Thank the Lord, I also broke this cycle and continue to grow happier in my life and body as they are--chubby and unemployed (smiles).
That's when I realized I didn't even like the things I did so I had to explore what it was that was really making me feel this way and mine was experiential and psychological. So I went on a journey years ago to let go of the past, move on, forgive, and learn to love myself. It's a journey I continue on to this day and I see changes on a regular basis.
I see the progress in the people and things I surround myself with as opposed to what I used to occupy my time with. I see it in the people I date and how, despite everything, they get better and better. I see it in the relationships I have with my loved ones and the joy I carry within myself. I no longer blame God or anyone else for that matter (still working on this though). I found that while I am a sponge for pain, I am that much more a sponge for joy and love.
But boy, it has not been one ounce of easy. I hate to admit it but I can't tell you how many times I wish I had been an addict, how I wish I could just give up all the struggles and the pain. The idea of drinking and using seemed so wonderful and so easy. Like they would help me forget. I'd even surround myself with people and loud noises in order to drown out my own thoughts.
And I think that's what people do. I know my exes had gone through pain and all they wanted to do was drown it out. To live life, go to work, hang out with friends or possibly find all new ones without a drink was an unbearable thought they often denied. It was the life they knew. While I'm sure there is way more to the story, I'm sure Philip Seymour Hoffman felt this way at times.
And no matter how tough they appeared, or manly, or confident they seemed to be; they were so scared on the inside--so angry, so bitter, so self-hating.
Didn't they know how much they were loved? It took me years of Al Anon and the support of loved ones to help me realize that no matter what, any love that was given to them would never be enough if they did not love or believe in themselves. Whether it was the disease or something more, my love would never be strong enough.
J.P. Miller wrote this of his play:
"Days of Wine and Roses is not a drunk story. It's a love story... Drunkenness alone is ugly. But love can never be ugly. If a scene of drunkenness is played in a climate of love, it may be tragic, or it may be disgusting, but it can't be ugly."
So you've got the wine, but do you have the roses?
Until next time...
Rest in Peace, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
If you are the friend or family member of an addict: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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