What's your fantasy?

"I wanna, lick you from yo' head to yo' toes
And I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flow
Then I wanna, you make it so good I don't wanna leave
But I gotta, know what-what's your fantasy"
 -- Ludacris, "What's Your Fantasy?"

When the first book was released, Lady Gaga’s song, “Bad Romance,” had been out for roughly two years. I was completing my studies at the University of Michigan in creative writing and women’s studies with an emphasis in sexuality studies. I had read books on everything dealing with sexuality including from its history to BDSM. The BDSM in the book, The Story of O, had stood out the most which my class and I assumed had also had an impact on Madame Lady Gaga herself.

In those days, I was a frequent visitor of erotic art shows and parties. Wearing nothing but thigh highs and corsets, I used to engage in intellectual conversations about the state of the government with men in leather chaps, dog collars, and latex masks. I had read about and observed various sexual identities and appetites ranging from transgender males and females, to feeders and gainers. In trying to understand my own sexuality, I had lived and breathed it with the curiosity of a student and the willingness of a researcher’s test subject.

I don’t preface with all of this to sound like an expert. I’m far from it. I merely want to paint a picture of what my life was like in the year 2011 when the first of the Fifty Shades trilogy was released. In terms of sexuality, it was hard to surprise me. Like when I heard about this book… about a girl and a guy. And he’s rich… and very kinky. And they engage in this thing called “S and M” (this was before the film and people added the “BD”). And they fall in love. And it is really, really hot.

I remember blankly looking at my friends as they would get heated up and giddy as they told me about this said-girl getting tied up. So what? I thought. I knew people whose stories made Anastasia’s pale in comparison and could have written the book, only better. BDSM had been around for a long time and I had gone down that road of exploration so it hadn’t been anything new. I imagine this is what people who are actually involved in the realm of BDSM must have felt when the book first came out—their quiet world suddenly becoming the center of attention. I imagine them saying, yeah… so?

So—now there is a movie and it seems to be splitting people into two categories. One group saying it glorifies abusive relationships. Another group saying… well truth be told, we aren’t really hearing a lot from this group. I had refused to read the books but in order to make a convincing argument, I finally gave the books a go to see what everyone was talking about. It still isn’t my taste but I wouldn’t read the trilogy as BDSM erotica but rather for what it is—fantasy fan fiction.

That’s just it. It’s a fantasy! Not much different from the fantasies of many women out there. Writing about my fantasies with Adrien Brody would probably turn out the same—cheesy, pornographic, and highly unrealistic.

The scenario would begin on some ridiculously, unthinkably, perfectly, rainy night. We’d meet at a party (because obviously he and I hang in the same circles). Or maybe we’d be on the streets of some foreign land like New York City (because I live in Michigan so that makes sense). We’d coyly eye each other for a good while, building up tension. Then he’d come over and ask me who I was. He’d say something like, “I haven’t seen you around here. It’s not every day I see someone this beautiful and intelligent.” Note: Because this is my fantasy, I’m thirty pounds thinner and able to wear 5 inch heels without wobbling or crying. You can blame Hollywood for this.

I wouldn’t trip over my words either. I’d have a smart response for everything. He would laugh. I would laugh—my luscious and perfectly wavy hair falling ever so slightly over one shoulder. He’d look at me. I’d look at him. He’d touch my shoulder or point out some cute mole on my neck. Then we’d chase each other out of the party, get drenched, and have a steamy make-out session in his classic ’69 Camaro (I have a thing for muscle cars though I’d take him in a jalopy). Then we would live happily ever after the amazing, weekend-long sex fest in which I would be the queen of all sex queens—mastering his every whim. Later, we’d both describe the sex as “the best sex we ever had.” Obviously. It’s my fantasy! It’s not going to be mediocre, half-assed, well-it-was-nice-even-though-I-didn’t-have-an-orgasm sex.

Does this sound silly and embarrassing? Because it is!

Everything I have read or heard in regards to Fifty Shades of Grey has also been equally comical. It’s a poorly written romance that is purely fantasy. Let me pause here for a second. I’m fairly progressive and consider myself in many ways to be a feminist but even I have had less than feministic fantasies about machismo men showing me the woman I never knew I was.

Even 50 Shades! The Musical Parody poked fun at this aspect of the book. In their version, Ana outlandishly proclaims she is going to enter the relationship with Christian on her own accord because everything he does is actually for her and not for him and being in the relationship will help her grow, learn about life, and make her a woman (or some nonsense like that).

It’s all fantasy though. Some fantasies are better and some are worse, or perhaps more irrational. Did you know many women also have fantasies about being raped?

It’s all fun and games until someone gets raped… Get my point?

There is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Rape or any other sort of abuse is an atrocity that we need to have a clear definition of, including the distinct existence of consent. I think where the line gets blurred is when women (and men) live in what a relationship could be instead of what it is. They create relationships in their minds instead of acknowledging what they are in reality. It isn’t surprising then for women or men living in this mindset find themselves in abusive relationships like the one Ana has with Christian. They make excuses and refuse to accept reality. Moreover, they usually have low self-esteem and lack any self-worth and self-love.

How did we get this way? Maybe social media has something to do with. Maybe we see flawless photos of people we want to look and be like. Meanwhile, everyone’s putting their best selves and lives on social media for the world to see. Maybe we’ve fallen in love with our superficial selves and the superficial worlds we’ve created. How we got here isn’t the problem though. Having the conversation about where we’re going and how we can fix it should be the concern.

Even as we continue to grow into the third wave of feminism, there are still women who want a prince in shining armor—a man who will protect and defend them, and be the answer to all their problems. Having a palace for a home isn’t so bad either. Is that not what E.L. James fantasized having with Edward Cullen of Twilight? Christian Grey is in a modern sense Ana’s prince charming. Rich, protective, and in the sequel, even buys her—a writer of all things (hello E.L. James!)—a publishing corporation. I’m a writer and I get wet at the thought of a man buying me a book let alone a publishing corporation. Are you kidding me E.L. James?

Oh, E.L. James.

Not to say his intentions were healthy or good. As my friend Jonathan said, the movie doesn’t set women back fifty years because it’s an abusive relationship (which it arguably is) but because of Ana’s own story and who she as a character reflects in society.

This is where I am forced to shift into the topic that I actually want to talk about. The problem isn’t Christian Grey or BDSM or even an abusive relationship for that matter. Ana herself isn’t the problem either. A person is not a problem. Human behavior, or—destructive behavior—is the problem. The destructive behavior Ana exhibits is allowing her self-love, self-worth, and life to all be based around her partner, in this case, an abusive Christian Grey.

A recent article on Vocativ published a report from a study done by Michigan State University in which “researchers surveyed 655 women between the ages of 18 and 24 and found that readers of the first Fifty Shades novel were 25 percent more likely to have a partner who yelled or swore at them, 34 percent more likely to have a partner who showed stalking tendencies, and more than 75 percent more likely to have used diet pills or fasted for more than 24 hours. Readers of all three books were 65 percent more likely than nonreaders to binge drink and 63 percent more likely to have five or more intercourse partners during their lifetime.”

I’m not a proponent of reading bad literature but I also don’t really listen to rap and this sounds so much like the days when the media implied that rap music was encouraging youth to participate in binge-drinking, drug use, and casual sex. This was around the same time when Marilyn Manson was the reason for Columbine and other violent acts. Remember how appalled left-wingers were when the predominantly political right insinuated that we amend our freedom of speech because of what rock and roll was making people do? What’s the difference between those cases and attacking this film and the books for supposedly glorifying abuse against women?

I don’t think my foremothers burned their bras for this. I also don’t think they burned their bras for books like Fifty Shades of Grey to be written or read either. I also doubt they envisioned a future of photo-shopped women with plastic bodies in objectifying attire. But that is the world we live in and because of them, we have the freedom to do so. We have the freedom of choice. We can choose what we want to wear. We can choose who we date .We can choose to have pre-marital sex (guilt not included). We can also choose to enter healthy relationships or, in some cases, bad romances.

We’re also more educated. We’re free to read what we want and listen to what we choose. Things become sticky when the argument is made that what is being sold to us is misogynistic dribble created by men, for women. While I like the idea of burning the misogynistic dribble, we really shouldn’t. The good news is that you don’t have to read the misogynistic dribble. You can pick up some Toni Morrison or Isabel Allende. If you don’t like the show you’re watching, don’t be a masochist, simply change the channel.

The masochism society expresses has nothing to do with people abusing one another, but with our own desire to abuse ourselves, consciously or subconsciously. It isn’t always obvious either. It is evident in the relationships and jobs people settle into despite being unhappy. With so much pressure being placed on the world today, it’s no wonder that out of fear, we have begun to settle.

I come from the school of thought that blaming anyone or anything won’t help you in any way. I know because I’ve tried it. The media has been screwing with our minds long before this book was ever conceived. My insecurities may have originated from false images on the media and genetic guilt but these things have a power over me because I’ve allowed them to. They have become my own voice. My confidence starts with me. Ana’s confidence should start with herself but unfortunately it doesn’t.

One Huffington Post critic wrote:

“One of the passages that disgusted me the most was when Anastasia was at a club with Christian, dancing and thinking to herself that she never felt sexy before she met him and that he had given her confidence in her body. Yes, being with a partner who frequently compliments you can increase your confidence, but Anastasia went from zero to one hundred thanks to Christian. None of that came from within herself. Because of his influence on her, nothing in her life came from herself -- her job, her home, her way of life, or even her self-esteem.”

She later adds:

“Our culture has seen a radical shift of ideals moving towards traditional gender roles and Fifty Shades of Grey is a shining example of that.”

Has society, the same society I believed to be progressive, really shifted towards traditional gender roles?

I agree with this writer’s opinion of the series but I refuse to accept that this book is to be read as an example of where society stands today. Or—perhaps there are aspects of this that exist in society today but should we as a society really be using texts and images like Fifty Shades of Grey as a model for relationships? If this is an example of society today, we clearly need to get our shit together.

Under this theory, another reason Fifty Shades of Grey sets feminism back fifty years is because readers are reading the story as literal.  In this regard, society, not the book, is to blame for all the ramifications.

The majority of Hollywood and fiction of this kind rarely portray healthy relationships and Fifty Shades is not the first to depict an unhealthy relationship. I would argue most romantic comedies portray stereotypical, unrealistic relationships. The story line is often boy meets girl, boy is emotionally unavailable, woman decides she’ll change him, man refuses to change, woman decides to stay and suffers through the relationship anyway (still thinking he’ll change), woman finally leaves (when she realizes he actually isn’t going to change), man realizes he can’t live without her, man shows up with diamond, and they live happily ever-after.

The Christian/Ana story is perhaps more intense but was created with the same basic blueprint. Ana is not the first woman in the literary or nonfictional world to enter an abusive, co-dependent relationship with a man. Luckily, it’s not real. Unfortunately, people are reading it as such. Again, this ties into human behavior being the problem with the books.

Does this mean we get rid of all of it? Get rid of porn, rap music, curse words, and anything that objectifies women? If we did, we would then have to get rid of most music, publications, films—we’d basically have to excommunicate most of the population including myself (I like to swear and have premarital sex).

What good would that do?

I can hear people saying, “But there’s a fine line Helena.” The fine line is when you eliminate one freedom, it isn’t long before you have to eliminate other freedoms as well. You might as well slap an apron on me and take away my rights. Believe me – I’d love to be living in a society without computers, social media, and photo-shop. I wax poetic whenever I get nostalgic for bygone days when the idols of the past roamed the world. But to live in that world, I would have to give up so many good things as well. For now, I’ll have to accept reality for what it is.

How do we teach people the difference between fantasy and reality then? How do we teach people the difference between a fictional abusive relationship and a real one while maintaining our freedom to produce such works? Why are some people leaving the film in horror and others leaving it with a desire to go out and enter a relationship like Ana’s and Christian’s?

I think the most important answer is better education.

The most important conversation we need to be having isn’t about the content of the trilogy, but where men and women stand in the realm of relationships with each other and within themselves. It goes along with the idea of educating youth about safe sex instead of abstinence.

If you want to engage in an actual BDSM relationship there are plenty of good, quality books out there you can read to learn more about it. If a story like Fifty Shades turns you on and you’re simply bored with what you have in the bedroom and want to have a party for two with the shower head while pretending you’re Anastasia Grey (nee, Steele)- enjoy the books and the film for what they are—fantasy.

Fantasies can be healthy. There is no wrong way to fantasize but if you’re fantasies are becoming unhealthy or dangerous, it’s best to get professional help. There is a fine line here as well but I think those who know the difference will have familial support at an early age, have been properly educated, and have thus been able to experiment smartly and happily. I’m not proud of all the fantasies I have (like needing to be thirty pounds thinner in order to meet Adrien Brody), but I know the difference between those and the ones I want to fully realize. My true fantasy is having a career I love, building a happy, safe, and loving home, and if God wills it, finding a good partner to share it all with. If they’re great in the sac, even better!

For now, I’ll go to bed with Bohumil Hrabal and fantasize about the day I can write like him or when I’ll find my own Czech lover. Until then, happy fantasizing.

References:
http://www.vocativ.com/culture/health-culture/50-shades-of-grey-trailer/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carey-purcell/fifty-shades-of-grey-feminism_b_2395932.html