Forgive this rant...

Here I'm going to list some complaints I've had lately. The first complaint should be knowing that there are people who may read this and think, "what a whiny little bitch," or, "I hate it when people complain."

That last one is a difficult statement to chew. One one hand, we live in a society that frowns upon complaining because of negativity, humbleness, and all that jazz. Remember the bracelets that church was selling where you'd wear it for 40 days and not complain? If you ever did, you had to switch hands and start all over again. I presume to goal was to get people to think more positively and appreciate life more. 

That's great! I don't doubt that. But on the other hand, you've got Yelp, comment cards, schools, apps, stores, even taxi cabs asking us to rate them. In this sense, you might need to complain as part of your civic duty. 

Then there's our beloved Facebook asking us, "What's on your mind?" and "Write a comment." We see it all the time: "Having a rough day," "Kids won't sleep," "Bummed to go to work," "Stupid people on their phones," "How can you not eat meat?" "How can you eat meat?" "When will this snow be gone?!" "L.A. is so cold lately!" 
Some of mine: "Still don't have a job."Bummed I have to leave San Fran," "Missing my family," Ooh! Here's a picture of a stuffed pepper I made! 

I complain on Facebook a lot less than I used to. In fact, I don't really complain so much as just state facts. I no longer post passive aggressive statements in trying to get attention but perhaps this is because of a shift in real life. Haha, anything outside of Facebook is "real life." 

These days I'm more open to who I am and what I'm feeling almost to a fault. I keep Facebook for fun and talking about things that I love but now tell whoever to their face how they make me feel. Note: I'm still not perfect in this area and working on it daily. 

But then I noticed something, when I used to post passive aggressively on Facebook it's because I rarely complained in real life. In general I was more passive because during those years I was very unhappy and ashamed of my feelings. It wasn't until one day someone told me I was entitled to my feelings. Something that most of the toxic people in my life refused to believe. My feelings were selfish, crazy, stupid, undeserved, etc..

So then I began a journey of humbling. I would think, well what's the use and I should appreciate the fact that I can even have or do X, Y, or Z. It got to the point that I practically wanted people to shit on me because I didn't deserve good things and heaven forbid I complain about less than perfect circumstances. 

In effect, I became a ticking time bomb so pissed off at the world and unable to say how I felt that I would go off on completely innocent people over the tiniest things. 

It didn't help that I had spent years in sales and had numerous highly-privileged people look down on me and expect me to wait on them hand and foot. When I didn't lick the ground they walked on, they would complain about me. 

Being on this end of the spectrum, I was able to learn a lot about people, customer service, and pretty much what's wrong with this world. People might complain about a certain asshole who never changes and continually get what he/she wants but the ironic thing is, we're to blame. We underdogs built empires of customer service in which they pay to get treated like they're kings and queens. 

And yet, we have to be humble. And if you look white you're expected to be even more appreciative because if you're not then you're just a rich white bitch. 

And yes, I've looked at women and thought this before because I'm half Hispanic. 

At any rate, it was somewhere during this journey, during the trips I took to find myself, the tears, the screams, the fights, the growing, and becoming closer to those I love that I finally began to open up. 

What I have to say isn't always nice or positive, but it's honest and real and I have a right to my feelings. And right now, I have some complaints--some things I'm tired of watching and having done to me repeatedly.  

I'm tired of people looking at the color of my skin and thinking I'm just another white girl. I'm actually half Hispanic and half white girl. Which leads me to--

I'm tired of feeling like I have to be ashamed of my part white girl heritage. I can't help it. I didn't ask to be born you know. This too is racism. Plain and simple.

I'm tired of people knowing I'm half Hispanic but then looking down on me because I don't speak fluent Spanish. 

I'm tired of not being able to enjoy anything I've made or earned because of what others will think and/or say about me. Like if I don't stay poor I'm selfish. Well need not worry because I'm so fucked up in the head, I can't get a big girl job with my college degree and I probably will work minimum wage all my life because heaven forbid I want more for myself. 

And here's where I'm tired of getting jobs and having to feel blessed. I know, I'm lucky to have one but can't I be upset it's still not in the field I spent thousands of dollars working to have a future in?

I'm tired of people hearing where I graduated from and being impressed. The school was shit, I was miserable there, and it got me a job at a grocery store. It's a name. You're paying for the name and that's about it. Going to that college has been one of the biggest regrets of my life and I can't tell you how upsetting it is when all people want to do is congratulate me on it. 

I'm tired of not being completely pedantic and talking like a British professor and people correcting me or asking me if I even "went to school?" 
-- I like making up my own words and a part of my flair is that I make things readable and hopefully enjoyable for everyone! You can write a long, drawn-out, and dry piece on something as spectacular as the universe or you can write a beautifully compelling piece on topic as simple as socks. It's style, not the little technicalities that make you smart and interesting.
I'm tired of who you know being more important that what you know. 

I'm tired of people saying, "You go to church?" 
--Yes I do. I also pray, support the LGBT community, swear, fuck up, think negatively from time to time, and all sorts of other indecent things. 

I'm tired of not feeling entirely confident in being my bawdy self. I'm goofy and sensual, at times really weird and possibly idiotic-- this does not make me an idiot, a dumb blonde with tits nor does it give you the right to touch me whenever you wish without my permission. Even if I've been flirting with you--unless I say Go, you are not allowed to touch me for any reason. 

Also, since when does having tits equate to flirting. So, because my cleavage was out that means I'm flirting with you? And because I'm flirting with you that means you can touch me inappropriately? And when I get upset when you do, you're allowed to call me a tease and bimbo all because I had a little more cleavage than usual?

I'm tired of men thinking I'm easy because of the open, honest, independent, care-free woman I am.

I'm tired of being the chubby or fat girl in the group while out with friends and the guys who talk to us automatically try pushing me onto their chubby friends. 
--Yup, you know us. We chubby people all stick together because we chubby people don't have a choice. 

I'm tired of everyone pawning me off to their "haven't dated in a while" or "has a hard time talking to women" male friends because I'm "so chill and confident" I'll take care of everything including getting their friend laid. What? Am I a prostitute and didn't know it? Just because I'm care-free, usually dancing to every single song that plays until the bar closes, and not caring what I look like doesn't mean I have absolutely no standards or expectations. This doesn't make me easy nor should it suggest that because I like to have fun on my own I'll automatically have fun with someone who is no fun.

I'm also tired of good looking guys thinking I'm a charity worker when nothing else is working out.
--I see the tall gorgeous blonde dissed you and now you automatically think that because I'm short, not that fit, and decent enough looking that I'll obviously want to jump you because how else could I ever get a guy like you. Hmm... 

I'm tired of intimidation. 
--Little people belittle others. 

I'm tired of not knowing where I stand with God. I'm hate feeling it may all be for naught and worrying what the consequences will be for thinking this way. 





I'm tired of being a prisoner to my thoughts and believing in all the false lies that have been engrained into my brain I've been told from people I love and the world. 

I'm just tired. 

Every time I think I have it down, I still have so much more to do. I'm all for growing and changing and finding myself but I get caught up in the little nuances. 
For example:

Half of society is telling me to love my curves, the other half is telling me to get fit-- P90, Jillian, Insanity-- if you're not dying, you're not working hard enough. So I look in the mirror and feel like an ugly, fat, schlump. 

I have God telling me not to give my body away until marriage (too late for that) but society tells me you should live with someone before you get married--that's the only way you'll know who they are. The pastor asks us, "how has living that way worked for you?" Well, it hasn't. But I can't imagine telling someone, let alone my friends, I think I'd like to wait. 

Society says balance, balance, balance. Work, family, physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional health. I'll get work, spiritual, and emotional done for a day and by the time I get to rest all I want to do is turn it all off. Read more, watch these shows, workout more, work to pay bills, work to do what you love, pray, check in on your loved ones, have "me" time, sleep more, eat healthy, cook, get oil changed, clean the house... And I don't even have kids!

Be humble and feel blessed for every single little thing, but also strive to be better and do more--for some reason these don't add up in my world. I want to have a good career doing what I love yet I keep getting jobs I don't want to do. But I should feel blessed to have them--but I'm so afraid that this is all that is left for me in this world. 

Family, church, pastor, the Bible, friends--they all tell me I have a higher purpose and path but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. What if this is the plan set for me?

I'm also tired of people always telling me God has a bigger plan for me. I appreciate this but the fear of failure and uncertainty is very very real for me. I'm hanging on by a thread and watching, terrified, as the weight of all who I am stretches it thinner and thinner. 

I'm tired of wondering why people tell me it's great how honest I am in my writing and how admirable it is yet if I did it in the real world, in-person, and said it to everyone's face, would they still fell the same way? 

I'm tired of everyone using technology to say what they want to say and be who they want to be. Instead of writing who you'd like to be on your online dating profile, why don't you be that person. You want to be the type of person who cooks gourmet dinners on a regular basis and travels the world? Then buy the damn ticket and do it! 

I'm tired of excuses. And believe me, I know an excuse when I hear one because you can't what, a bullshitter? That's right. 

I'm tired of the battle ensuing inside my head because I face these wars on a daily basis. I'm not just complaining to the world, but complaining to myself as well. I understand how difficult it is. 

So when did we become so afraid of each other? 

We fear the outcome because we fear what people will say about us. I fear what people will think of my artwork, my writing, my acting, my singing--so much so that I stay stagnant in so many areas. People tell me to just get over it. Okay, I get that. But all these complaints I've listed, all the stereo-types, all the theories in the world--they all exist for a reason because like an addiction, we haven't broken the chain. We have the cure for the disease but maybe some of us haven't been diagnosed yet; or maybe some can't afford it. Then there's the fact that some people like things the way they are. 

Where there is a will, there is a way and we are all accountable.