Google says you're hopeless

"I feel like people gotta be tired of my blog and all this, 'who am I, what am I doing, why is it so hard for me to live bullshit.'"

"Hahaha then fuck em!"

"It's not getting old?"

"Lena Dunham's made millions on it!"

These were the texts my dear friend had to endure with me during the late hours last night. I'm the one having a hard time living and shit.

The conversation began when I realized I was reading self-help articles online and found myself to be so desperate that I literally searched Google for determination. Google then led me to a WikiHow article on How to Be Determined. My friend asked me how it was going. It went something like this:
Well, I'm jotting notes down about it...
I'm hopeless.
I need help.
I hope Google will help.
It can do a lot so I'm hoping it'll help me.

Google has, in a sense, become my therapist.

I texted another friend, "Is it bad that WikiHow is my life coach???"

Who am I? How did I get to this shameful state of desperation and better yet, why on earth am I sharing it with you? My friend and I discussed this at length. We both agreed the mind is a strange thing. It is our own selves who have control over it and yet the mind can take something so small and turn it into the end of times for us. My friend had gone through the end of times earlier that morning and had survived the devastation but commented on how strange it was that it had even happened. I wrote:

Yes. It's weird because it happens to me often. Oh you know. But I always manage to get out of it rather swiftly. Move on. La, la, la... Then boom, a week later it's back and so on. It's weird because when I kick it in the ass I'm so confident afterwards. Like, yeah, who's weak?! NOT ME! Who's dumb?! NOT ME! Who's gonna be a rock star?! MEEE!!! Three, four days later maybe and it's the total opposite, like, you are not a rock star. You don't even own a guitar. You are weak, you can't even do a push-up. Oh and, I is before E except after C you idiot!

Except in the word "weird," as my friend pointed out.

Maybe it's trying to be... weird.

I laughed so hard at the joke I made that I could hardly read my WikiHow guide to being an adult through tear-filled eyes.

I really do wish Google could think and hear me talk so I could ask it questions, explain my circumstances, and get more conducive feedback on my Google searches. I'm not sure how far I'm getting from relying on Google for personal cognitive therapy.

It would probably just tell me I'm hopeless and to get off my computer and go do something more conducive for my life.

But cognitive therapy would argue that this way of thinking is unhelpful, unhealthy, and/or inaccurate.

Basically, as an adult, I feel like I'm waffling. It goes back to that unhealthy behavior I suggested we all leave in 2014. Case in point, that article was written for me. Sure, I've done a lot to be admired for, but I look at so many others who appear to be ahead and I'm still playing the role of "struggling artist." How long can I do this for? How long do I keep playing it safe? How many self-help books and articles do I read until I'm finally confident and ready to push forward with my dreams?

Often times we see that people are good and/or slaking in opposing areas. As far as I go, in life, I'm zesty and fearless and willing to try just about anything. When it comes to my career though, I'm a timid mouse afraid of its own shadow. I guess I'm working on bringing those life skills into my career but completely unsure of how. Let's not even try to open the book on my stagnant love life.I haven't even kissed someone in...

I'll talk about that later in my memoir entitled, Horny But Hopeful. Or, Hopeful But Horny. I'm still working on that one.

I'm a little fucked up. But that's okay because hey, we all are!

I hope you enjoyed seeing how my mind works. Thanks for reading.