15 things we can all leave behind in 2014

I'm back in the states and processing my grand trip throughout Europe. When people ask me how it was all I can say is, "It was the best thing I ever did for myself." And it really was... This is why this homecoming has been so hard and leaving Europe even harder. I'm so happy to have finally done it but also a little frustrated because it took me years to finally do it!

With the year coming to an end, I decided to review my life list and 5-year plan. I smiled to myself as I checked things off I finally did and crossed things out that no longer matter to me (like losing 20 lbs). Yet, because I thrust so many lofty goals onto myself, I have so much still left undone. At this realization, a sudden urgency to get them done made me want to write my year plan for 2015 immediately but I felt like I couldn't as it seemed I hadn't crossed much off of 2014.

So instead of a year plan, I just started writing. And it took me to a very expected  place.

I realized some things I want are conditional. Like being accepted into a graduate program or being able to finance other plans, but two, make that three, things keep reappearing on each year plan. Those are:

• Writing --> keep at
• Grad school-->apply for
• Art-->Make more

Then, of course, travel, finances, and health; each ever changing.

As of today, I have no job, no apartment, no programs I'm involved in. Nothing is tying me down. It's the kind of state I like being in because it means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want.

But where the heck am I going to go?

Here in Michigan, the place I was born, I feel out of place. I'm still not sure if I'll stay or leave and the truth is there are good reasons to do both. Something else is holding me back though and I can't blame Michigan or the people... So what is it? If I left, if I stayed, what would I do? What do I need to do?

What is blocking me???
Laziness? Fear? Lack of inspiration? WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!?

I've often let the fear of having enough money hold me back but I can't blame that anymore either. If needed, I could live with my parents, work, and still be able to write and create. So what's the issue? If money weren't an issue, what would I do?

• Travel
• Write
• Create art
• Read more
• Do yoga every day
• Volunteer more often
• Fulfill my dream of living out of a camper van

These are just a few, fairly easy and inexpensive things I could do (maybe not the camper van or travel outside the U.S.). Potentially, I could do most, if not all, of these things tomorrow. So why are they so difficult for me to do? Why did it take me so many years of worry to fulfill my dream of backpacking through Europe?

Ah-ha!

Because they're all things that make me feel guilty.

Whoa. Wait. Why is that?

Here's when the shoe finally drops and psychotherapy begins. There are many reasons. I know the reasons. Now how do I get rid of the reasons and more importantly, prevent those reasons from entering my mind again?

Then it occurred to me, we're all doing it to each other. It's funny. Many people have asked me how I'm able to do what I do and be who I am with such confidence (confidence I rarely see for myself). I'm a work in progress and by no means perfect. I still have plenty of work to do but I get better with each slow, and sometimes backwards, step I take. A lot of it has to do with letting go of ideas and behavior that is detrimental to my mental and emotional well-being.

So here's a list of things I think we can and should try to all leave behind us in 2014.

1. Dumping your fears onto others 

Before I set off on an adventure, there is always someone who (perhaps unknowingly) let their fear, try to knock me down. They'll dump all their fears and worries on me as if they want to convince me not to do it. Luckily, I have people in my life who also build me up and encourage me to do the things I'm scared shitless to do. They believe in my strength and would never offend me by trying to bring out my insecurities because of their own. Which leads me to...

2. Bringing out people's insecurities

We all have insecurities. As Adele said, "I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me." I once dated a guy who would do this to me all the time. I didn't realize it at the time, but by doing so, he was breaking me down to build me up to his liking. Whether it's a boyfriend, wife, friend, lover, acquaintance, or family; if someone seems to make you feel more insecure than secure, you may need to rethink your relationship with them.

3. The Golden Rule

We've all heard it. "Treat others as you want to be treated." In my opinion though, it's a little outdated. I think some things need to have an expiration date. This, along with, "turn the other cheek," "be the bigger person," and "forgive." I agree that forgiveness is a personal necessity but what about someone who continually treats you poorly? Do you keep letting it go? Does it mean they want to be treated poorly too? What about the Golden Rule on your end then? See the conundrum?

I love the idea of the Golden Rule but that doesn't mean we should allow people to continually hurt us. It's taken me a long time to learn this but it's more difficult to enact the Golden Rule with toxic people in your life. If you have to, love from afar.

4. Shoving your beliefs down people's throats

This ties in with the Golden Rule and you're probably wondering if I was raised Catholic right about now. Regardless of what I believe, I will tell you this: Anyone with an extreme view who has tried to force it upon me has only pushed me away more. Christian, Muslim, gay, straight, bi-sexual, Mormon, Atheist, Republican, Democratic, blonde, brunette. You name it. An extreme is an extreme whether it's hot or cold and being biased is a form of close-mindedness. Nobody likes hanging out with close-minded people. Nobody.

5. "It's the thought that counts"

Perhaps it's because Christmas is around the corner but I'm tired of hearing this. I realize it can be relevant and I'm not completely heartless. I would never, ever, toss a gift from niece saying, "Umm... Sweetie, I can't keep this because I don't really think you put much thought into this." I also understand and have felt the strain of being financially behind. This is not directed towards those, in fact, nothing is expected in such cases.

This has to do with those other people. You know exactly who they are. I consider myself an excellent gift giver because when I'm out looking for gifts, I'm thinking. I'm looking for things like your favorite flower or color; or perhaps I'm researching your favorite sports team or hobby. They aren't always winners but when I can afford to give gifts during special holidays, I don't wait last minute or half-ass it unless I'm really that clueless or don't know you well enough (or again, if I'm financially strained). It doesn't have to be perfect but you can tell when someone put absolutely no thought into a gift. Though you may argue it's a gift and therefore you shouldn't complain, it's hurtful to know that you are not important enough for a second thought. You can think anywhere! While you're driving, while you're eating, even while you're on the pot! So don't tell me you didn't have time to think because you do!

6. Making Excuses 

The continuity continues. Trust me. I am a certified excuse-maker. I can play devil's advocate with myself until both sides are terrified and I'm stuck at a standstill. Excuses are easy. That's why we're all so good at making them. Following your heart, leaving painful situations, loving yourself--those are difficult things to do. I realize some things are easier said than done but you'll regret never trying and living a life that's just "good enough."

7. Not allowing people to have feelings

Nothing hurts more than someone trying to convince you that you are not entitled to your feelings. We are all entitled to our feelings. Sure, there are habitual Debbie Downers but then there are situations we find ourselves in or have uncovered that make us sad, angry, numb, all of it and it's okay to feel those. Take your time with them and if people are telling you to "just stop" or that you have "nothing" to be [NAME FEELING HERE] about, walk away from them and reach out to those who will listen and let you be.

8. Allowing people to be assholes because they had a "rough" life

This is not to be confused with number 7 and ironically, many of the people who don't like me having feelings will make excuses for other people's behavior by saying, "Oh, they've had a rough life." I'm so tired of hearing this. We've all had rough lives and many have had way rougher. In fact, if you're even reading this, you're already at a better position than most.

I also think of one of my best friends. She's been through so much but is always willing to listen to me whine about my problems. She's never cruel or unkind. Even on her roughest days she will still give me love and advice. I suppose I'm lucky to know this exists because she's certainly raised the bar. I also know there are thousands of other people out there who have risen above their rough beginnings, made their lives better, and treat people well in spite of adversity.

9. Letting society define your beauty

You'd think this wouldn't need to be repeated but unfortunately it does. It goes for people of all shapes and sizes! I struggle with this every other day and perhaps I always will. But maybe, just maybe, if I remind myself of this enough, one day it won't be a struggle anymore.

Check out this powerfully heartbreaking but uplifting poem by Shane Koyczan about beauty and bullying.
http://www.tothisdayproject.com/the_poem.html

10. Being someone other people want you to be instead of who you genuinely are

Not only do people let society decide what they should look like, we often allow society to decide who we are. There are too many things to be said in this regard so I'll tell you this, you will be a lot angrier, confused, hurt, and sad if you live the way everyone expects you to live your life. If you're worried about people not accepting you than you need to do a serious detox on your life because believe me, there are people who will love you and accept you for who you genuinely are. Also, by being genuine, you're setting a good example for others to do the same. Here is a famous quote by Marianne Williamson that has helped me get through a lot. If you're struggling with this, tape it to your mirror, wall, iPhone background, wherever you need it and read it to yourself daily.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Another thing that has to do with not being our genuine selves often comes in the form of laughing at comments or behavior that make you feel uncomfortable, a.k.a, faking it. It's in those moments where you remain silent because you don't want to "offend" anyone or because you'd rather maintain the peace.

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
--Martin Luther King, Jr.

I spent years laughing off the pain or not saying anything at all about those who offended or hurt me and it was all because I was trying to be the person they wanted me to be. At that time, I couldn't understand why so many people I called "friends" treated me like a little rag doll. Well, not only was I allowing them to, I was choosing to play the part. I now strive to be me and speak my mind and since then my life has changed for the better. There will be resistance. People will call you names. But you'll also attract better people into your life and be happier. Promise.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." -- Harvey Fierstein

11. Comparing your life to everyone else's

Along with comparing our beauty, I find most of us suffer from the inability to be our genuine selves because we compare everything else with those around us as well. Social media doesn't help us either. We all look into the lives of our friends and family (strangers too) and doesn't it always look like everyone's happier or doing more than you? Well people are probably thinking the same about your life. Social media is a lot like online dating in that we put our best selves up for the world to see but as we all know, nobody is perfect. It's a facade we're all using. I promise you that there are many times I've posted pictures or status updates that make it seem like everything is grand and jolly when in reality I feel like I'm going to melt any second from all the chaos and confusion known as life. Life is happening to all of us and it's difficult for everyone. Period.

As far as those who have compared their lives to mine, let me set something straight. I don't have a husband, or kids, or any real debt which gives me the flexibility to travel and do as I please. I've lived most of my life with my parents--this has allowed me to save a lot. I also don't have a "normal," full-time career which allows me to save but also leave when I'm ready to move on. Lastly, I don't have the same goals as you. This is what we all need to remember most when looking at (and often judging) people for having lifestyles different from ours.

In lieu of social media, instead of trying to make your life "appear" great, get off Facebook and go make it great.

12. Judging one another instead of celebrating each other

This goes hand-in-hand with most of themes I've written about so far. I'm not going to lie, when I see a gorgeous woman walk in a room, I get a little envious. When I someone I know receives an amazing job offer; I'll think, Damn! Wish that were me. But regardless of those natural feelings, we shouldn't judge each other by saying things like, "Oh you look so skinny" or "It's because you're friends with the boss." If someone loses a lot of weight or lands a great position it's because they worked hard for it.

The worst is when you buy something new like a house, a car, or a watch and someone makes passive aggressive remark like, "Oh, you must be doing well" or "Gee, I wish I could afford a new car." Sure, there are unfair and unjust circumstances but it is not your business what someone does with their time or money. Just be happy for them because one day, if you worry more about your own time and finances, you might be the one celebrating and you'll want people to celebrate with.

13. Thinking everyone is concerned with you

I'm so guilty of this. It's disgusting. The funny thing is so are you! A guy once told me that psychologically, this way of thinking is actually a form of narcissism. You're probably thinking what I thought too when he told me this: But I feel this way because I don't want to offend anyone. In a way, I'm sure that's the case but at the same time, my friend was right. To think the world was concerned with everything I was doing was just absurd! Why then, is it so difficult to stop?

In 2012, the folks on the Smart People Podcast interviewed researcher, Brené Brown, on this very topic. If you have a chance, listen to it. She talked about her book,  The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (also has to do with #10), and this very idea existing because as humans, we're wired with a need for connection and the shame we experience when we're not.

Shame... Please watch the link below to gain a better idea of what shame is and how it affects us. Pretty much it goes like this:

Guilt = I made a mistake.
Shame = I am a mistake.

On top of guilt, I've felt the latter for most of my life. I've often felt like the whole world was watching me from under their microscope and what they were finding was all the scum that I believed I embodied. I was imperfect. I wasn't smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough... Even while traveling through Europe there were days when I couldn't imagine living anymore because I felt so stupid, so useless, so worthless... As if I didn't matter. Which leads me to...

14.  Not believing you matter

No one ever told me this until I began acting and let me tell you, it was the most uncomfortable thing I ever experienced. I was in front of my class, feeling the jitters from a scene I just performed, when my teacher paused and said, "You're enough."

He added, "Just as you are."

He told me this because I was holding back. I was trying to be perfect instead of being me.

Me?

Excuse me? Have you looked at me? Have you heard me speak? Did you see the asinine right turn I made on Santa Monica Blvd. the other day? Did you know I still Google words I forget to spell correctly and Wikipedia countries? Did you know I think Wikipedia is a verb as well?

I could go on. I'm well-versed in the art of self-loathing. Instead, I have a request. Next time you talk to someone you love, tell them they matter. Tell them they're enough. Imagine all the change we could create if we all believed we mattered and lived as such; but in order to change the world and believe that we're enough, we'll need to get rid of number 15 as well and that is...

15. Believing vulnerability is a weakness

As Brené Brown put it, if there's no room for failure in your life, then there's no room for innovation either. I think most people would agree that the opposite of vulnerability is the aim for perfection. For years I put my dreams on the back burner telling myself I couldn't do them until I was pretty enough, wealthy enough, or educated enough. Not until I was perfect would I allow myself such joy and happiness because again, who was I to want, no, deserve, these things I dreamed of?

That's the thing about human beings. None of it will ever be enough until we get rid of the idea that we are undeserving and need to be perfect.

Some of you are probably saying what many of my friends have actually told me, "Oh, nobody's perfect. I know that! I don't suffer from that at all!"

Perfection is good at disguising itself though. Some of these people claiming they don't care to be perfect disguise their need for perfection by calling it something else. They're the control freaks who won't let you help them in something as innocent as the kitchen. They've got their guard up. They keep others at arm's length. They're not reaching for their goals because they may fail. Their self-preservation habits vary but it all stems down to their needing to be perfect and not wanting to show their vulnerability.

“Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve?" Perfectionism is other-focused: "What will they think?” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I have a lot of shame and guilt towards my writing and art. I have blank canvases sitting in my room waiting to be fully realized. I have the paint I need. Paintbrushes too. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to make my visions come to life.

My art, my writing, this blog--they're raw, honest, and give you a glimpse into my life in all its awkward and naked glory. It's extremely hard for me to share because I frequently grapple with wondering, what will they think? I eventually push past it and but will never be able to fulfill my dreams and reach my full potential until I rid myself of all these unhealthy habits. And guess what, neither will you!

So, I'm giving you all the advice I've been given and give to myself.

Happy Holidays and good luck to you in the new year!

Any habits you think we could add to the list? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!