Of course...

Do you ever have one of those days where you just say to yourself, "Of course."

"Of course X, Y, or, Z would happen!" 

I had one of those a couple days ago. The day started off well enough. I worked on a scene with a classmate and had a lot of fun getting to know him and how we'd work together it. I felt good to be doing what I came out here to do. Afterwards, I went to see a holistic healer about the issues I had been dealing with lately (the ones I've been writing about on this very blog). 

I had originally thought about seeing an actual doctor what with the word "depression" ringing in my brain but after discussing my concerns with friends--some of whom are on antidepressants--I realized depression wasn't the issue. I've done the research and it seems people who are clinically depressed are in genuine fear with the inability to do things like leave the house, go to work, or be with loved ones. 

But this wasn't the issue for me. It had become more and more clear that my problems were more circumstantial than anything else and perhaps even caused by my own doing.

I believe in things "happening for a reason," our connections to the "bigger picture," and the importance spirituality has on our emotional, mental, and psychical health. Because of all this, I felt it would be important to see someone with similar views. 

I did some research and found a holistic healer who didn't sound like a phoney boloney and in one session I made progress. From the unfolding of what I really want, to the realization where so many of my fears and values stem from. The most refreshing thing was throwing certain beliefs out the window. One of them being this job search I had become so obsessed with. 

The one most telling and brilliant she said was, "Doing something over and over again and expecting a different result each time is the definition of insanity."

Mind = Blown!

I had heard this phrase before but she added, "You've been glued to your computer for years trying to find a job in anything you could get and it hasn't worked out for you. So stop doing it!"

Whaaa... Did I hear that right? 

 "Try something new," she said. "Go out, live, and if you stumble upon a place that you like ask around about jobs available." 

Live? Go out? Was this woman crazy?

"So what do you want to do?"

"Well I was working as a Florist before I left for California so I could try to do that.."

"No. What do you want to do? Not what you think you should or could do. Also not what you think will get the respect of others, but what you really want to do."

This is where I had to be genuinely honest not just with her, but with myself. I didn't want to work doing X, Y, or Z but I was trying to because I felt I had to. I had applied to countless jobs I knew my family and friends would approve of and just because at this point I was desperate.

So if I did what I really wanted to do I would set up my own mural painting company from home. I'd also work up the courage to do some freelance writing. 

She then gave me an assignment to go home and get cracking on those two things. Her attitude being, start putting your work on a website, etc... But then I told her how a lot of my pieces weren't quite up-to-date and that I feared they'd suck.

"So," she said, "I bet they're great even still! What have you got to lose? And once you get more work, you'll have a larger, more current repertoire."

Well I knew that. 

Then do it already Helena. 

Ohmygod, I'm talking to myself online for the world to see. 

Whatever.

Since we had level one of getting a current job established, the next matter was admitting what I wanted to do with my life. After a few metaphors and my pansy ass beating around the bush, I finally admitted I wanted to be an actress. 

"Ok, now what?"

Aside from being in classes, the next thing I had to admit to was the fact that I was a beginner. This part of the process was coming to terms with not only who I am, but where I am, right now.

Umm. No. Not happening. I don't want to be where I'm at right now. I don't like where I'm at. I want to be at the destination. Duh, that's why I'm here (I realize I'm starting to sound like an angst teenage girl but I'm using dramatics to make a point and who are you to judge if I do act like a teenage girl sometimes). 

No, I want to snap my fingers and be a master--whether it's at playing a guitar or learning a language. This whole beginner thing just isn't for me. 

Now, I'm sure a lot of you can relate. And I'm sure even more of you understand how hindering this mindset can be--how many of us don't even bother trying because we're afraid we'll stink and never get anywhere with it. Even more so, the world we live in is so down on being "green" and new to something that we've all become so afraid to admit when we don't know something. Worse still, is being mocked for it. 


At least that's what they say.

"Who are they?" She asked. 

"Them. Those people who have everything figured out!"

"Ah yes. The ones who half-assed it and took the easy way out by making excuses like, you have to be this young, and you need to have this much money, and you need to know these people."

I know, you want to marry her too at this point. 

You have to put in the work if you're going to see changes-- at least I knew this intellectually but here's where issue number 362 comes in. I can say when it comes to right and wrong, morals, values, and how to get by in this world, I'm pretty well-versed and knowledgeable. When it comes to action--I have this unrelenting fear of judgement of others which, as an artist, I'm going to have to let go of if I'm ever going to move forward.

But in order for all this intellectual knowledge to matter is to move it into the subconscious mind. Without doing this, my current subconscious mind, if overhearing a fowl opinion, would react with, oh my gosh, they think I suck and they must be right because everyone else is always right and therefore I must suck so I'm just going to go into my cave and give up on life. 

A lot of you would probably laugh at this childlike thought process and tell me I'm being silly and that this is not the case. But how many of you want to bet some, if not all of you, do this all the time and can't snap out of your own self-doubt that has been dwelling in your subconscious all your life?

And this is where we all have to learn that people's opinions don't say anything about the person they're placing their opinions, but everything about themselves. 

For example, you and a friend see a man get out of a Lamborghini and your friend says, "Look at that rich asshole."

First and foremost, what someone does with their money is absolutely none of yours or their business. End of story. 

Second, that could be the nicest person in the world who just so happens to have money in the bank and likes driving that kind of car. 

Third, how do you even know if it's their car? Especially in areas like L.A. that could be someone who has been working their ass off trying to get by, including working as some rich man's assistant. 

The comment made by your friend says nothing about that man, but that they have issues with prosperity for whatever reason. 

Here's another one (and I've sadly done this before): A group of friends go out for burgers, fries, and beers but one person orders a salad. At first nobody notices, then one person, then another, until finally everyone is hounding the salad eater, "Come on! Really? A salad?"

There is nothing wrong with the person eating a salad and once again their reason is none of your business (even if you think they're totally fit and could eat whatever they want). That comment stems from the group's own shame and guilt for eating what they're eating. 

The healer told me to go out and to listen for these examples and to remember this lesson. She said that just being aware of this can set you free. 

My other assignments were to also stop giving a fuh about what people think. To go home and paint, write, and do whatever I think is cool/interesting/totally genius without the worry of the end product (or the destination). To remember that no matter what, there will always be someone who doesn't like it. Take it from my lady, Dita:

As far as this blog goes, I'm not going to write what I think everyone else will want to read (not that I have) but what I want to write. Furthermore, I'm not going to be so uptight about grammar, etc... This is for me--if it were for a job then it'd be a different story. 

I'm going to apply and do jobs that I want to do and enjoy doing. I'm also going to switch up my approach. I'm going to believe in me. 

When you're sitting in an office with a healer who is making you say these positive affirmations you stop feeling like a child, but writing them here on this blog I can't help but feel uneasy at how cheesy they sound. 


Regardless, I left her office feeling positive and giddy. I felt comfortable in my own skin as well which was a welcomed after-effect. I imagined walking the streets with a glow around me.

When I got home I got down to business. I upgraded my crappy phone to an adult user-friendly one, applied for a job I had been talking about (more walkie and less talkie), and set an appointment to have my car inspected to ensure my safety and the safety of those who may possibly be riding in my car (I won't say anything yet). 

I didn't want to spare any of the energy I had gained from my holistic experience. And thank goodness I did get crackin' because in the midst of all the hype I had finally heard back in regards to the teaching job I had taken that stressful test for. 

I saw the name on my phone, opened my email with hopeful fingers, and read:
Thank you, blah, blah, blah... 
Unfortunately...

I read further, I had passed the reading part of the exam but didn't do so well on the writing part. 

Not the writing part???

I realize this is information I probably shouldn't even share but despite the bruise, I couldn't help see the hilarity of it all. I considered myself a writer, I put writer as my occupation for most things, went to a well-known university to study it, graduated with excellent grades, and here I didn't score well on the written part of the exam for a temporary, part-time ESL job.

Of course...

This wasn't an opinion, this was a fact. Technically I passed the test but the score wasn't high-enough to obtain an interview. 

Okay. Something better is out there for me and you never wanted to teach anyways Helena. You were doing this because you knew others would commend you for such a job. But this isn't what you wanted. 

I was trying to be as light as possible about the news but a little self-loathing did begin to creep in. 

I'll have to write my writing career goodbye. I bet nobody will ever want to read my blog because it's shit, the grammar is shit, and I'm shit. I got one flat tire so I might as well bust the other three! 

No. Not happening because remember, you don't care what others think anymore and you're going to do what makes you happy. One test doesn't represent all of your abilities, especially a test of only 25 questions. 

You're also not a piece of poo and failure is part of life. This is only more ammo to use as your career flourishes.

I've probably used this quote before but it's so good I'll use it again, "Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."

So I've decided to take up Kung Fu. 

Because I've always wanted to and why the hell not? 

2014 - The official year of the Badass! 

Until next time, here are some quotes and such to get you in the mood.