Which leads me to what I want to talk about today. It's Valentine's Day. I'm single this year. In fact, I usually am single which is probably why I've become content with being alone on a day like today which for me, is just another Saturday.
But as most of my avid readers know, love also isn't just a thing I think about one day out of the year. I'm constantly trying to figure out where I stand intellectually, spiritually, and even biologically in all of our most human realms. One of them being love. Because love isn't merely cute naked adult baby cartoons or diamond rings. Love is real and reality isn't absolute. If we learn to understand love better, perhaps we can learn to understand reality better.
It seems like everyone has jumped on the love boat for Valentine's Day. The Podcast, Death, Sex, and Money, had a Valentine's Day special that discussed all the moments when the topic of love came up on the show which happened, almost always. Not surprising considering the fact that the number one thing written about in music, literature, and film is the idea of love.
Another radio show called, On Being, interviewed Helen Fisher for an episode literally entitled, "Love and Sex and Attachment." The most surprising or perhaps sobering thing I took away from Helen Fisher's interview was that despite being a biological anthropologist/expert on love and attraction (she also works for Match.com), she was still human. Human in the sense that even she still did very human things like walking towards her phone to call a man while telling herself she shouldn't and continuing that internal dialogue while actually dialing his number.
Another radio show called, On Being, interviewed Helen Fisher for an episode literally entitled, "Love and Sex and Attachment." The most surprising or perhaps sobering thing I took away from Helen Fisher's interview was that despite being a biological anthropologist/expert on love and attraction (she also works for Match.com), she was still human. Human in the sense that even she still did very human things like walking towards her phone to call a man while telling herself she shouldn't and continuing that internal dialogue while actually dialing his number.
Sounds like me about two weeks ago.
When it comes to Americans in particular, Helen Fisher says we've been lied to by our love songs and we view love through rose-colored glasses.
When it comes to Americans in particular, Helen Fisher says we've been lied to by our love songs and we view love through rose-colored glasses.
One of my least favorite aspects of dating is the inevitable dating game forced upon you no matter how much you claim you won't play. Your likable opponent always nods and fervently agrees with you when you tell them you hate playing games and more than that, the people who play them. In fact, they'll even describe examples of times they were forced to play dating games as well, making you believe that they understand where you're coming from. Then the subject of honesty will come up and the two of you will dreamily look into each other's eyes as you both spout how all you want is honesty. You'll ask each other, is that so hard to find? Then you'll laugh together at how ironic it is that out of all the millions of people in the world, the rarest, most honest people of all have ended up eating sushi together. You both will leave thrilled because you finally found someone who honestly gets it.
But merely talking about honesty doesn't make one an honest person. Honesty isn't cute. Honesty doesn't only consist of quirky morning coos and crooked knees. Honesty has vulnerability at its core and being vulnerable is hard. Vulnerability and honesty often seem like traps for rejection, heartbreak, and pain. They're also what lead us into long-lasting, mutually fulfilling, and contented relationships. Or more exactly, wholeheartedness--within ourselves and within our relationships. Brené Brown, a vulnerability researcher who I've mentioned in previous posts, was also interviewed for On Being, and posited this question: "Does this mean that our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted?" To be vulnerable?
This question offers a glimpse into what my definition of love is and it takes place at that moment right before you enter a relationship or fall in love with a person. It's when you and your partner find yourselves at a crossroad asking yourselves, do we continue or do we end it right here? Some are easier to decide than others and I have found myself at the crossroad feeling a little unsure for multiple reasons. It was in those moments I had to clearly explain to my heart that if I chose love, it could lead to happily-ever-after, or at least something loving in nature, or--it could also lead to heartache, embarrassment, pain, and misery. I think people forget that deal they make with themselves in the beginnings of love. Especially when it leads to the latter. I love what Dan Savage says about cheating which can be arguably heartbreaking. He says that when it does happen, you have to remember the time you told yourself or your partner that you loved them so much you would take a bullet for them because that becomes the bullet.
When I was first writing all of these thoughts out in my journal, I made a long list of brutally honest imperfections of mine. Clearly, it's probably not a good idea to take a long list like this on a first date in order to prove just how honest one is, but we should bring our humanness to the table and remember too, that hopefully the other person will be bringing their humanness as well. Eventually, the high will wear off and that great on paper man or woman is made up of more than just black and white letters. They are humans--not figments of the imagination, covers of magazines, or characters out of your favorite romantic comedy. The bullets, aren't pretend anymore.
I'll admit that this is something I've only recently begun to conceptualize. It was there all along but subconsciously I was still responding to a world created in my head. The world in my head was a world I could control. A world where I couldn't get hurt from being vulnerable.
I relate to the comedienne Margaret Cho. In her younger years she had been abused and found herself in a position most women are subjected to today which is the belief that a woman's sexuality is considered a public space. So when she became old enough, she joined the world of BDSM, swinging, and other sexually liberated communities in order to gain control of her sexuality. During an interview with Anna Sale, she said that after years of being a part of these communities, she realized something she hadn't before. After being married and divorced, she was now looking for something completely different. She told Anna, "Oh, I just want somebody to hold my hand... I want to share a milkshake with somebody." She realized she had skipped this part of being young and had never really experienced the time of innocence or taking things slowly. Anna noted that it's those simple and innocent things that actually require much more vulnerability. Margaret Cho agreed saying, "It's really scary to just be a person with another person."
And that my dear little kumquats, is exactly the thing. It really is scary to just be a person with another person.
So let me ask Brené's question again, "Does this mean that our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted?" To be human?
And where does sex fall into this equation?
While I was in Europe I met a man who worked for a church. I won't share much more about him other than the fact that he was religious. He was also sexually active and not married. Having a religious background, I had to ask him how he got away with it; or at least, how he was able to be okay with what he was doing and not feel any guilt about it. He told me that there was a time he worried about it and sought out a leader at his church for their opinion on the matter. The leader asked if he planned on ending his trysts in premarital sex and my friend was honest and told him that he most likely wasn't going to. So this church leader gave him probably the best advice you could get when getting the green light to sin. Firstly, cover the main base of protection. Be smart about it. Then he told him to always do it (for a lack of better words) from a place of love. Even if you're not in love, always have good intentions for the other person.
That idea has stuck with me. That evaluation of our intentions when it comes to sex and relationships. I suppose you can check your intentions by asking yourself if what you're doing is coming from a place of love and kindness for humanity and more importantly, for yourself.
When I tell people about this concept, I often have to explain myself. Women especially get weird. They'll give me looks that say honey, are implying that you have to be in love with every person you sleep with? For me, considering that we don't live in a perfect world, my answer is no. But the answer is also very personal and not always perfectly coherent with every other human aspect. Biology, or--Helen Fisher, would tell that you casual sex never remains casual. Sex creates dopamine and dopamine creates attachments.
Since this is a personal blog, I'll share my own personal situation. I tend to live on the road and because I haven't settled down yet geographically or occupationally (though I'm working on that), it's only fitting that I remain single. But it gets lonely and frankly, dating is fun. People are fun. I often feel guilty about it though and decide that dating is pointless. I figure if I'm already at such a vulnerable place in my personal life, why would I want to put myself at the risk of getting attached to someone. I get tangled in emotional knots over this issue a lot. I don't want to remain closed off but I also want to be smart...
... Because you can't live off intentions alone. Intentions must be proved by actions. My good friend Scott gave me some excellent advice to chew on over this matter. He told me that it all depends on what I decide is the best type of behavior that is acceptable for my lifestyle. That because I may not be able to enter a long-term relationship, I would have to settle for something that ignites my passion and thirst for knowledge and interests, even if it's only for a short period of time. This would also mean that I would have to start trusting others and myself to relish in the joy of the moment and blissfully go with the flow. Meaning, I'd have to get comfortable with being vulnerable and more than that, being human.
Humans aren't perfect. Humans make mistakes. Humans get sick and die. They can be funny and weird, and cruel and unkind.They aren't concepts, or words, or ideals, or dreams. They're real and with them come an immense amount of liabilities and responsibilities. Love isn't simply saying you'd take the bullet for someone, it's actually taking the bullet when it comes because if you're human, it most likely will.
The ideal world, though it's great and fun to get lost in sometimes, it is just that. An idea. It's where you can leap off trees and float with the clouds. You can fly in that world, be a hero in that world, even dodge bullets in that world. Reality is the opposite and we need to remind ourselves of what is an idea and what is real. In terms of love, it's falling in love with reality and the reality of who people are, not your idea of who they are. I think this is the number one thing people struggle with.
Love doesn't ride in on white horses. Love isn't on the cover of your favorite magazine. Love can't be found in the latest perfume. Love can be beautiful but it isn't always fuzzy. Love can be the burning sensation followed by the cooling effect of having a foreign object pierce you and scar the skin of your life forever.
Love is taking the bullet.
This question offers a glimpse into what my definition of love is and it takes place at that moment right before you enter a relationship or fall in love with a person. It's when you and your partner find yourselves at a crossroad asking yourselves, do we continue or do we end it right here? Some are easier to decide than others and I have found myself at the crossroad feeling a little unsure for multiple reasons. It was in those moments I had to clearly explain to my heart that if I chose love, it could lead to happily-ever-after, or at least something loving in nature, or--it could also lead to heartache, embarrassment, pain, and misery. I think people forget that deal they make with themselves in the beginnings of love. Especially when it leads to the latter. I love what Dan Savage says about cheating which can be arguably heartbreaking. He says that when it does happen, you have to remember the time you told yourself or your partner that you loved them so much you would take a bullet for them because that becomes the bullet.
When I was first writing all of these thoughts out in my journal, I made a long list of brutally honest imperfections of mine. Clearly, it's probably not a good idea to take a long list like this on a first date in order to prove just how honest one is, but we should bring our humanness to the table and remember too, that hopefully the other person will be bringing their humanness as well. Eventually, the high will wear off and that great on paper man or woman is made up of more than just black and white letters. They are humans--not figments of the imagination, covers of magazines, or characters out of your favorite romantic comedy. The bullets, aren't pretend anymore.
I'll admit that this is something I've only recently begun to conceptualize. It was there all along but subconsciously I was still responding to a world created in my head. The world in my head was a world I could control. A world where I couldn't get hurt from being vulnerable.
I relate to the comedienne Margaret Cho. In her younger years she had been abused and found herself in a position most women are subjected to today which is the belief that a woman's sexuality is considered a public space. So when she became old enough, she joined the world of BDSM, swinging, and other sexually liberated communities in order to gain control of her sexuality. During an interview with Anna Sale, she said that after years of being a part of these communities, she realized something she hadn't before. After being married and divorced, she was now looking for something completely different. She told Anna, "Oh, I just want somebody to hold my hand... I want to share a milkshake with somebody." She realized she had skipped this part of being young and had never really experienced the time of innocence or taking things slowly. Anna noted that it's those simple and innocent things that actually require much more vulnerability. Margaret Cho agreed saying, "It's really scary to just be a person with another person."
And that my dear little kumquats, is exactly the thing. It really is scary to just be a person with another person.
So let me ask Brené's question again, "Does this mean that our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted?" To be human?
And where does sex fall into this equation?
While I was in Europe I met a man who worked for a church. I won't share much more about him other than the fact that he was religious. He was also sexually active and not married. Having a religious background, I had to ask him how he got away with it; or at least, how he was able to be okay with what he was doing and not feel any guilt about it. He told me that there was a time he worried about it and sought out a leader at his church for their opinion on the matter. The leader asked if he planned on ending his trysts in premarital sex and my friend was honest and told him that he most likely wasn't going to. So this church leader gave him probably the best advice you could get when getting the green light to sin. Firstly, cover the main base of protection. Be smart about it. Then he told him to always do it (for a lack of better words) from a place of love. Even if you're not in love, always have good intentions for the other person.
That idea has stuck with me. That evaluation of our intentions when it comes to sex and relationships. I suppose you can check your intentions by asking yourself if what you're doing is coming from a place of love and kindness for humanity and more importantly, for yourself.
When I tell people about this concept, I often have to explain myself. Women especially get weird. They'll give me looks that say honey, are implying that you have to be in love with every person you sleep with? For me, considering that we don't live in a perfect world, my answer is no. But the answer is also very personal and not always perfectly coherent with every other human aspect. Biology, or--Helen Fisher, would tell that you casual sex never remains casual. Sex creates dopamine and dopamine creates attachments.
Since this is a personal blog, I'll share my own personal situation. I tend to live on the road and because I haven't settled down yet geographically or occupationally (though I'm working on that), it's only fitting that I remain single. But it gets lonely and frankly, dating is fun. People are fun. I often feel guilty about it though and decide that dating is pointless. I figure if I'm already at such a vulnerable place in my personal life, why would I want to put myself at the risk of getting attached to someone. I get tangled in emotional knots over this issue a lot. I don't want to remain closed off but I also want to be smart...
... Because you can't live off intentions alone. Intentions must be proved by actions. My good friend Scott gave me some excellent advice to chew on over this matter. He told me that it all depends on what I decide is the best type of behavior that is acceptable for my lifestyle. That because I may not be able to enter a long-term relationship, I would have to settle for something that ignites my passion and thirst for knowledge and interests, even if it's only for a short period of time. This would also mean that I would have to start trusting others and myself to relish in the joy of the moment and blissfully go with the flow. Meaning, I'd have to get comfortable with being vulnerable and more than that, being human.
Humans aren't perfect. Humans make mistakes. Humans get sick and die. They can be funny and weird, and cruel and unkind.They aren't concepts, or words, or ideals, or dreams. They're real and with them come an immense amount of liabilities and responsibilities. Love isn't simply saying you'd take the bullet for someone, it's actually taking the bullet when it comes because if you're human, it most likely will.
The ideal world, though it's great and fun to get lost in sometimes, it is just that. An idea. It's where you can leap off trees and float with the clouds. You can fly in that world, be a hero in that world, even dodge bullets in that world. Reality is the opposite and we need to remind ourselves of what is an idea and what is real. In terms of love, it's falling in love with reality and the reality of who people are, not your idea of who they are. I think this is the number one thing people struggle with.
Love doesn't ride in on white horses. Love isn't on the cover of your favorite magazine. Love can't be found in the latest perfume. Love can be beautiful but it isn't always fuzzy. Love can be the burning sensation followed by the cooling effect of having a foreign object pierce you and scar the skin of your life forever.
Love is taking the bullet.
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