Life would be a lot easier if I didn't believe in Hell

I have all this time to think lately and yet very little to myself to understand where all the thoughts are coming from and where they're leading me to. Therefore, they remain un-captured and pacing around my mind. In trying to get a grip on these little monsters screwing around in my brain I will share random blurbs I found to be funny, or at least amusing, from the past couple days.

The original plan was to go to Killarney a few days ago but I've found myself in Cork due to a lack of planning anything whatsoever. When I arrived, I told myself I would not drink for one night which happens to be close to impossible here in Ireland. How about just one drink you say? As one tour guide put: the downfall of Ireland. On top of this, my diet hadn't exactly been healthy or well-rounded since I arrived so I decided I would also do something good for myself. Well...  I hear wine is good for the heart so I decided to have a glass. I did something healthy and had only one glass so I don't think it counts.

The place I ate at was a fairly fancy burger joint. When I say fairly fancy it's because it wasn't high-end per se but it was quite contemporary. As a tip: always look around to see what other people are doing before you order or eat. This actually keeps me from eating at some places here in Ireland when I don't see anyone eating but only drinking. People were actually eating at this place which made my decision for me. I was alone so I people-watched while I waited for my food to arrive. I noticed everyone was eating their burgers with a fork and a knife. Even chips, or fries, were being forked into garlic mayonnaise sauce before eaten. I waited to see if newcomers would do they same and they did. Oh my gosh, I thought. I'm going to have to do this. I didn't want to be the crazy lady who was eating her burger with her hands like a common gypsy child. I began to mentally prepare myself for this. The idea of eating a burger with a fork and a knife was crazy to me. It's so much easier to eat it when it's cupped in your hands. You can hold the burger and bun and all their delicious friends together--hoping they'll all make it to your mouth in equal quantities. Do you have any idea the degree of difficualty it takes to cut a burger into small enough pieces so that you get a little bit of each topping for every bite? I took a good look at my future and saw pieces of burger droppping out of my mouth and lettuce dripping in sauce that would graze my cheek as I drove the fork into my mouth, leaving little traces of sauce, grease, and white mayo (which is never fun to have on your face) on the creases of my lips. When the burger finally arrived I thought about being that girl for a split second but reached for the fork and knife instead. It wasn't so bad. In fact, it probably helped me eat slower than I normally would. I normally eat like a baboon--shoving shit into my face as fast as I can before any other baboons or other wild animals try to take my food away from me. Because of this, I picked up a "chip" or two out of habit but tried my best to use a fork. When the waitress came around to check on me I had to ask: "I notice people are eating their burgers with forks and knives, is this common here?" To which she replied in an accent foreign to Ireland: "Yes. It is common here I think because it's nice and restaurant." I'm not making fun of her in any way but rather my own baboon-ness for not thinking of this before I asked the question.

Travel lesson 106: Learn how to be a classier bitch. Ironically, the next day I went to kiss the Blarney Stone which I am happy to say I did. My friend asked if I felt more eloquent to which I responded with: "Fuck yes." Normally I would've said, "Fuck yeah."

After eating my fancy burger, I left for my hostel where I would see the best thing I've found here in Cork and that is my new German friend. She's also an artist doing the same thing I'm doing--which is traveling and hoping to figure out what she wants to do with her life. That or, go broke. We've both been happily surprised to learn how much we common with one another. More than that, how strange it is to know there is someone, somewhere, dealing with the same problems and trying to find the same answers. This will delight or depress you--depending on how you look at it--to know we're so small in the grand scheme of things. That we're not alone, but we're also not that special. That one day, at 80 or so years old, we'll die; but the grass, the trees, and the stones will continue on for decades and other girls, just like us, will sit with the sun sparkling through their strands of blonde hair as they ponder the meaning of life and where they fit in it all.

I can't speak of such things as they're too grand and beautiful for words. Who am I to discuss the future? I can only speak of the present. Which even this is difficult as it usually involves the past. You learn from the past and if you're open to it, you learn from others. Had I not met this lovely creature, I don't think I would have found myself lying in the tall Ireland grasses with nothing but the sky in my future. With her, I've been forced to take my time. She seems to be a lot better at traveling than me because she actually does take her time in each place and wouldn't you know, even with resting days, she has seen more than me. I talked about this at length with a good friend of mine back in the States. I told her, amongst many other things, that there's a lot more I'd like to do but feel guilty for wanting or doing. It all goes back to that feeling in which everyone else deserves to be happy but you.

And for the millionth time I was asked, "Why do you feel this way?"

I think if I were to discuss this again my followers would throw their laptops at the wall. I would throw my laptop. I can't give an answer. I mean yes, I know a few psychological reasons because of all the searching I've done within myself and within the world but it takes more than analysis to explain this subconscious phenomenon. I guess that's why I'm here; to go beyond analyzing and to live out the things I've learned over the years. But I will not paint a pretty picture. Doing this is so fucking hard. I've gotten better at being good to myself for the most part but there are still some things I'm struggling with and though they're few, they seep into other aspects of my life which I think I have a handle on then realize my grasp has loosened a bit. I imagine this looks like a cartoon of a balancing act with me in the center, legs spread into some strange split, my body contorted into a very uncomfortable position as I try to hold one thing, and catch another. Some days I really do have it and then some days it looks more like this. Maybe this what life is and will be forever but again, I have no way of knowing what the future holds and all I want is to be content in the present.

My present has me looking into the past and saying, "WTF!?!" Even in the more recent past when I thought I had it figured out. I still see more hurting than loving which has lead to immense pain. Pain I seem to have chosen over love. And for what? What would happen if I did things differently? Things others possibly  wouldn't agree with? What would I do, what could I do, if I switched it up even more than I already have and did everything at a most honest and primal level? What would happen to my life? Would it turn out at all the way I hoped? Or better?

Two very kind American girls asked me what everyone has asked me and that's: "So how long are you in Ireland?" Followed by: "What are you here for?" "Holiday?" "Work?"

I usually respond with: "I'm here to figure out what I'm going to do with my life."

In these past few days, my thoughts, even my actions have lead me to places I least expected to find myself in and I'm realizing it isn't where I had secretly hoped it would be. So after my usual spiel, I told the American girls this: "Because you know, looking at a castle is going to help me figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life."

So what will happen to me? Within two days of being here my world was flipped and I genuinely realized the world, the people, and even myself aren't what I thought them to be. But this is a good thing. This trip has taken my life out of my control completely and I'm better for it.

So I'm going to follow my heart, or loins--whatever ends up winning--and with a new set of eyes seek out something different. Something I never imagined I would want or receive from this trip. Something that not everyone will understand. I'm going to work on the guilt thing and continue asking God for His guidance but I think even God would agree that you can lead a horse to water but--I just want to make sure I don't end up in hell.

I asked my friend if she ever worries she'll go to hell. She told me she can't when she doesn't believe in hell. She went on to give me this great explanation on what she does believe but it nonetheless made me realize that life would be a lot easier if I didn't believe in Hell.