My living will

Recently, on top of moving, roommate drama, and the day-to-day task of figuring out my life, I've had to acquire health insurance. This has turned out to be a not so easy feat and made me want to throw my computer across the room. 

It wasn't the best turnout and this lead me to ask what would happen if God forbid anything went wrong. I wrote my father telling him everything in case of such an event. But then it got me asking, what if something really terrible happened?

Most people I have known have had children, been married, or in serious relationships by my age. Those with a family would have some sort of plan or will and those without a family would at least have a roommate or boyfriend/girlfriend, or family living nearby to hold them accountable to some degree. 

By choice I am an adventurous lone wolf. I'm smart and use caution but with the way life and death go, I could walk outside a Starbucks and get struck by lightening.

I decided the adult thing to do would be to put my wishes in writing. This is the email I sent to my father: 

Hello Dad, 

I wrote you in regards to health insurance but all of that got me thinking...

Most people I know my age have children or are married (or at least in a serious relationship). I being a lone wolf (by choice), I started thinking--what if something happened to me?

I travel a lot, am usually alone, and quite adventurous. I'm smart and use caution but anything can happen. As I visit with my best friend and her family I realize that more. Her husband's 18 yr old daughter has not only lost her brother, but recently her aunt was found dead in a ditch. I watch and listen to them talk about those who don't appreciate who have their loved ones still and say, "If only I could have one more day..."  

Anything can happen and the people you least expect are taken from us too soon. God forbid anything ever happened to me, I wanted it in writing what my wishes would be if heaven decided they wanted me a little sooner. 

If I'm ever in need life support, take me off. That's not a life I would ever want to live. 
If I ever do die, I want to be cremated and here's where the requests begin. 
I would want mom to take some and spread them at Lake Michigan. 
I would want you (my father) to take some to the Sierra Nevada Mountains. As well as Arches National Park and the rolling hills of western Texas. I would hope you and mom would go on a pilgrimage to all the places I've been to and see what I've seen and feel what I've felt to be most lovely and pure. 
I hope Allison would do something cool like take a jar of me to a bar and have one last drink with me--then whatever else her heart desired.

Anything else would be up to the rest of the family. Oh, and I'd want my friends to take some of me to a rock concert at Pine Knob and have a good time in my honor. 

I know this all sounds very morbid and possibly dramatic but these are things we have to face in adulthood. I'm not a child anymore (albeit at heart!) and these are important things I must go over with my family (not having one of my own--yet!). 

On a good note, I hope none of this happens and instead will have plenty of trips to Arches, the Sierras, and the rolling hills of Texas and even New Mexico for that matter with my family. I hope to have many more trips to the Lake with mom and plenty more good times with my siblings and friends. 

All I can say is that I hope it won't take death to finally get there. 

When Laura was visiting my last week in L.A., we were standing on the sidewalk and as we were washed in golden sunlight I remember feeling sublimely happy. I looked at her and told her it really is true what they say, "home is where the heart is." She told me that was great because that meant that I could live anywhere as long as I had people I loved there with me. 

Rebekah embroidered a sign that said, "Home is where the [car] is," for her boyfriend. I suppose wherever my car is parked holds true for me as well. In Europe I suppose my home will be wherever my bags are. 

Oh the life of a vagabond. 

I will soon be lugging my bags into yours and mom front door.

See ya!

I love you. 

I really want to defend this in fear that some of my readers will be thinking I'm being dramatic. I decided to share this though because we forget to have empathy for those who have lost loved ones too soon. More than that, we forget to tell the ones still with us how much they're loved. We take life for granted and wait until death to finally start living. 

Last night as I was having my quiet time with God, I was, as usual, doubting myself. In my affirmation journal, Rick Warren wrote about a lawyer who died of heart failure. He had been a good man and yet all of life's stresses and worries made his heart fail. How many times had this man asked, "Am I getting it right?"

I'm constantly questioning my progress and for what? At this rate I'll die with my head in a scrunched face from thinking about all the woulda's, shoulda's, and coulda's. 

Am I getting it right? 

Maybe I'm not but I'm going to stop thinking about it and just do it. If things aren't working, if I'm not feeling loved or happy, then I'm sure I'll be yanked back on the right track. 

I was being treated like crap by a boy and left and never looked back. I decided I wasn't happy in Michigan and headed to California. I decided I wasn't  ready to leap fully into one thing and will now be going on a soul-searching journey. 

What is it you're unhappy with? What or who isn't giving you the love you deserve? 

Whatever it is and whatever it takes... I can only hope and pray it doesn't take death to get you there.