Art, Travel, and Whiskey: My perfect job

Last night, me and an old friend from back home had a phone date and because my friends are so loving, I instantly poured out all of my problems to her. It went something like this:

"I'm still job searching. All day, every day. It's exhausting. I hate it. My eyes are beginning to twitch and I can't tell if it's from the lack of sleep I've been getting or from staring at a computer screen all the time, or maybe both. Job searching is the worst!

"Oh it's the worst!"

"And then I think, I'm doing all this job searching but nothing I came out here to really do because I'm afraid. I'm suffering from paralysis by over-analysis! And then I think I'm gonna fail. I think, what if it doesn't work out?"

"Oh Helena, you think too much!"

"I know! I know! I think all the time! I'm great at it! If I could find a job in which I get paid to think that'd be perfect! That's all I can do - is think!"

"Oh Helena!"

"Yeah, I can be an analyst! Not a computer analyst, medical analyst - just analyst. Give me a topic and I'll think about it and then I can give you all my thoughts."

So there you have it! The perfect job for me is one in which I get paid to think full-time and because I'm such a hard thinker, I'll work overtime too!

Until then, I'm still unemployed, stagnant from the lack of confidence which ensues from being unemployed, and fearful I'll amount to nothing and die alone.

Me and about 20 million other people.

It occurred to me last night when I was talking to my mom later (I may have had a meltdown last night). I called her crying with the usual concerns: I'm unemployed with a degree from the University of Michigan- Ann Arbor, all my relationships have been dysfunctional and most likely the product of substanse abuse, and I can't even paint or write because I think I suck. Wah, wah.

She went on and on about how I'm okay. It's all going to work out and how lucky I am to have a degree. But thing I fear the most is having spent all that time and money for a degree I'll never use. I already live in the world of resent and regret - I can't regret anything else or I'll shrink into an old cynical spinster who hates everyone!

See, 20 or 30 years ago, my degree could've gotten me a job anywhere. But now I compete with millions of other bright adults with the same degrees. So then I think, okay, if I'm not alone, and everyone else's lives suck, why don't we all kill ourselves!

This is meant to be a joke but I realize it's not. Christmas is right around the corner and suicide rates are rising. Unemployment is high and people are losing their unemployment benefits as we speak. The economy stinks, the job market stinks, my love life stinks... What do we do?

In the past year I've read countless articles and advice columns that suggest taking what you're passionate about and creating your own job. That's right, create your own job!

Sounds too good to be true, right? Well I've looked into here and there and at it's most basic level, it can be very cheap (granted it's been a while since I've looked into it so things may have changed). Then there's this thing called the world wide web in which you can pretty much set up shop from your own living room. Of course, that depends on what you want to do. If you're really good at making hot dogs, I'm not sure you could ship them to Japan without losing their freshness.

But don't be discouraged! You are not alone! As I've written in past blogs, I want to do everything. Some days I consider painting, some days I considering book options, some days I dream of joining a band, hitting the road, and playing at dive bars (my favorite); then some days, when it gets tough and I can't seem to even nail a job as a waitress, I imagine putting in all my chips and opening a diner, T-shirt company, or boutique.

This coming from the girl who once wanted to join the circus (and I would have but even that's a hard job to nail!). Hence, why I don't do anything because I think myself dizzy about all the options surrounding of each choice and would I be choosing one over the other at the last minute and end up making a huge mistake?

I guess I share all of this because even though I can be too blind to admit it, I'm not alone. There are millions of people who probably feel just as discouraged as I do. Even worse are those who want to do many things (like me), get lost, and end up stagnant - afraid to take any leap of faith.

I have to give myself some credit though. Moving to L.A.. was a pretty big leap. Luckily, I saved enough to be able to and had people supporting my decision. But maybe you don't have anyone. Be encouraged - I've known people who've made big leaps with only $400 dollars to their names and who slept in their cars to get by. They prospered and now live the lives they want.

So... As my mom asked, "what do you want?"

I don't know. I honestly don't know who I am or what I want sometimes. That's why I write so much about my past - because for so long, I did what everyone else wanted me to do. And now I'm an adult who has to make her own decisions and I don't know how sometimes. That's why acting appeals to me so much. All at once I can be all of these things and none of these things.

But that's me and these are my issues I need to work on (next post: does Helena need therapy?). What I can tell you is this: If there's anything I've learned from this crapsicle of an economy is that because it's shitty and we don't have jobs, why not do the impossible? It's the live-like-you-were-dying mentality. If you were going to die tomorrow, why wouldn't you skydive, bungee jump, or kiss the woman of your dreams? What would you have to lose?

In this economy, we've lost everything. A lot of us don't have much and are just trying to survive. Sadly, some might even think they have nothing to live for. But that mentality can actually be the turning point to push you into doing all you've ever wanted. And if that's the case, why not go balls to the wall, all chips in, and give it all you've got? Go open that nail salon! Go back to school! Go join that band! Go take that mission trip! If you end up broke, who cares?! You already are! But seriously, if you're struggling now, why not struggle doing something that makes you happy - something that you believe in. And who knows, it could also work out in ways you never imagined (another thing I've learned firsthand). By working at a grocery store I made some lifelong friends and did things I never dreamed I would.

Out of dark, comes light; and out of painful endings come new beginnings.

Now go climb that goddamn mountain!